Venting- An open letter to you...

       So I thought I was over this, but apparently not because it is still weighing heavily on my mind.  The more I think about it, the more the reality of it all sinks in. I thought you were better, stronger, and not "one of those" type people, but I digress and admit that I was wrong.

       What you did was not cool. Not cool at all. It was rude, and showed that you have no respect for me at all. You only thought about yourself, and your selfishness took precedence over everything. But I guess as long as you are happy, while everyone else was miserable, then it justifies your actions.
   
     If it were me, I would have respected you enough to understand your request, and would have honored it, no questions asked.  But I see now that we are two different types of people, and that makes a world of difference. You see, I don't tolerate bullshit and disrespect. I don't let someone walk all over me and stick around when they hurt me to the core.  I have the balls to say what I feel, and what really mean without filtering myself, and yeah, that may mean that some things may come out a bit harsh, but I am not going to sugar coat anything.   We are all adults, and should be able to handle things as such.

        YOU... MESSED... UP and no amount of trying to rationalize why you did what you did will erase the distrust it has caused.  Excuses, excuses, excuses,  that is all I heard, and none of them were remotely justifiable.  Your actions were un-excusable and very upsetting.

        Now, there are some people who I have talked to that understand your point of view, but there are a whole lot more who understand mine, and most are just as outraged as I am.  The more I think about this, the more upset I am about the total disregard for my feelings and the animosity you have created. Yes, this is something YOU created!

       I have stated emphatically that this will NEVER, and I mean NEVER happen again.  At this point in my life I have grown enough to realize the caliber of people I want in my life, and around me.  I only want to be around good, positive people, those who help their fellow man, those who build me up and help me be a better person in this world, those who teach me things I may not know, and those who love more than they hate.  Those who get that life is a good thing, that should be lived and enjoyed.  What I don't want to be around or have in my life are disgusting people who are assholes.  Those who spew hatred out of their mouths so easily, and in the next breath, "apologize" and say "I love you".  That is beyond hypocritical, and too fake for me.  Their lives are based on lies, and that is not something I want to be around.  Being a bitch is one thing, but being a trifling, two faced  hypocrite-  well that is a whole different story. 

      So as  I said, I choose not to bring that type of negativity into my life and DON'T want to be around that.  I choose to have positive, loving, encouraging people around me and in my life, and don't appreciate someone bringing the opposite around me. If I wanted to be around trash, I would rummage threw the garbage.  I don't appreciate being guilt tripped into having to be around it.  My slumming days are over, and I don't appreciate someone intentionally bringing me around that despicable of a person.  

    You can choose to be around that all you want, and continue you make excuses as to how its okay to accept that in your life, but I am not the one.  So just know, if and when the possibility of meeting up happens again, if you feel it necessary to bring the pathetic excuse of a human being with you, I will NOT be there.  As much as I would want to see you and hang out, I WILL NOT go against what I believe in and stand for because you feel guilty and want to renege on what you previously agreed too and understood.  If that means it will be a while before we see you again, then I am truly sorry about that, but no excuse in the world is acceptable enough for me to be around such a disgusting human being, regardless of how brain washed you are.   To me, that is a sign of weakness, and last I checked, men aren't supposed to surrender their balls once they get into a relationship.  They aren't supposed to be treated like shit, and chewed up and spit out supposedly in the name of love.  They don't stick around with cowards who have no recourse than to deliver painful, low blows, all because they are mad over stupid shit they have to right to be mad about.  How is this even right?

    But I digress,  your inability to recapture your manhood is not the point of my writing this.  My point was to let it be known that I am not happy at all with what happened the other day.  You know, like I know that it was absolute bullshit, and I am not going to let it slide without addressing the problem/ issue.  No things are not okay... I clearly see that you have no respect for me, and that my thoughts and feelings aren't important to you at all.  They were blatantly disregarded- and that is not what friendship/ family is all about.  You couldn't/ didn't even recognize how much of a problem it is/ was because you were too busy thinking about yourself.  Sometimes,  taking others thoughts and feelings into consideration is a good thing.  Just know that I would have never disrespected you in that manner, and wouldn't use such tactics to try and get my way.  Let me state emphatically, once again, that I DO NOT want to be around this person ever, and if t hat means not seeing you because you can't deal, well I am sorry.  God doesn't like ugly and neither to do, and I will not be around those who are- regardless of who they are to you.

      I know you won't understand, but I hope after reading this, you will at least be able to respect my decisions.  I do not want to compromise my values and beliefs so that you could feel  better.  I will not be around evil, despicable people if I can help it, and I will not cower and not stand up for what I believe in.  If this changes things, then I am sorry, but what you did was unfair. and I can't let more time pass without saying how I feel.

"Being About That Life"

     So it's been a while since I have brought a pen to a pad of paper to share my thoughts. When I sit and try to figure our why it has been so long, I run through a list in my head. Is it because I have nothing interesting to say? No, never that. Is it because I have no feelings about anything? Nope- wrong again. Not motivated, hmm- maybe a little. To busy? Can't say that either. No matter the excuse, there have been certain things that have been brought to light recently which has prompted me to get back into the groove of things again. So here goes...

     I'll be the first to admit that surprisingly, there are people out there that still manage to amaze me.  Some seem so misguided or delusional, and are so wrong about this thing called life that it floors me sometimes.

    How is it that for some, achievement in life is about the "bling, poppin tags, bottles, driving that S Class, and makin' paper"? Does this really define who you are and what your values are? Is that really all that is important to them? Hanging out with famous people, or supposedly "making a name for yourself"- does it really matter if it is not in a beneficial way?

     Maybe I am just getting old, and in my old age I am becoming a bit more conservative than I'd like to admit. Or maybe it's because I am a bit more mature, because I just don't get how " being 'bout that life" is all that impressive. Some brag about having kids in the "flyest" clothes but can they even read or write a proper sentence? They run around doing whatever they want, but can they tell me what 12 x 13 is?  I kinda doubt it, but wait... they have on the newest Jordan's, so that's all that matters, Right?  They may not finish school, but it's okay because you only have to be 18 to get into the club and have fun. We got VIP Baby! But what good does it do when your stylin' in the VIP section, but you are as dumb as a bag of bricks? Talk about having your priorities straight and trying to achieve a shining bright future! Who needs an education when you can be the next great rap star? How you gonna count yo money?  What a thing to aspire to be! How about emphasizing how important school is? How about creating a work ethic, or becoming a useful person in society, instead of another statistic, draining the system of resources that I have to supply to take care of your dead beat ass! So that's what  "being 'bout that life" is all about? Well you can keep that!

   Then there are those who are still in the "me" category.  I though this was a phase that only children are trying to outgrow, but its still amazing how many adults still find it hard to think about other people besides themselves! There comes a time in life when you can't constantly think about yourselves. Sometimes, other people and other things should come first. Do you really believe the world should revolve around you? - Umm, No, it doesn't! The sooner this is realized, the better off some will be.

   The more I sit and write and think, I realize what I do want my life to be about. The things I want to value and believe in. I want my life to be about my family. I have some AMAZING people in my life. I am blessed to still have my mom in my life. I have an incredibly fantastic husband that loves me unconditionally whom I  love and adore. I have wonderful Aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, brothers, puppies etc... who I love and cherish. Everyday is all about strengthening the bonds with these people and recreating the definition of family and what its supposed to mean and signify.

   Then there are my friends. Most don't even qualify for this title because they are most definitely the family category. But I have the most AMAZING people I am lucky and honored to call friends in my life.  For some, it feels like they have been around for a lifetime, some have been there 20 + years, 15+, 10+ and some that are more recent, but they are truly incredible, and I thank God for them everyday. These people are the family I choose to surround myself with. They share my happiness and sadness, my highs and my low's. They are the ones I choose to let in and share a piece of my soul with. they are the ones who call me out on my bullshit, and know immediately if something is wrong or right. They have my back and I have theirs. They are the important people I want to be about. 

  I work hard, not so that I can go out and buy some random crap I don't need to keep up with the Jones', but so that I can get what I want, when I want it. We bought a beautiful house to have a place we can call home and invest in ourselves instead of making someone else rich. I don't need the $600 Michael Kors purse, or a $300 LV clutch. What do I need this for? I have a 401k, investments on the side, a savings account, and to be honest, I'd rather spend that kind of money on an awesome vacation in Europe or South America! But see, I don't think I can be " 'bout that life" because material things don't impress me much. What good is that new Beemer or Lexus if you can't afford the gas and insurance to drive it? Or if it gets repoed because you are living outside your means? Just sayin'- 

  I want the people in this world to respect me, to acknowledge the sound mind I have spent years cultivating, to appreciate the years of learning and continued education I do to maintain the knowledge I have in my career.  I couldn't imagine someone questioning my abilities, knowledge or life because of how I chose to present myself. If you choose to continue to present yourself in a certain manner, well, your abilities will be called into question. If you dress like a ho, sound and write ignorantly, well, no one is really going to believe a word you're trying to say.  How do you expect to be taken seriously? Yet you get offended and continuously have to try and prove yourself. Trying to make yourself sound better, more educated and worthy- Umm, yeah, that is not going to happen! Especially in the real world. 

  A recent medical issue that a dear friend is currently going through has made me realize that life is way too short to worry about the trivialities. There are some people that we shouldn't waste our time on, and some things in life that really aren't that important. Some times, there are just things that we need to move on from.

   I was fortunate enough the other day to get to spend some time hanging out with my nephew, niece and great niece who just happened to turn 1 the other day, and my hubby. These special moments make me realize that this is the life I want to be about.  I want a life filled with love, laughter, family, friends, and good times.  I am not all about the bright, shiny things, because all glitters is not gold.  You can have all of the fancy things- I'll plan my next awesome vacation to a fabulous destination! While in the meantime, enjoying the great times at home with my family and friends, surrounded by love and good times.

     You can keep on being "'bout that life" because I have no interest in that whatsoever. I hope those "things" and fake people in your life suit you well. Me on the other hand, my life will be about creating more fabulous memories with my husband, my family, and my friends. It will be about seeing as much of the world that I can, meeting more awesome, interesting people. Mine will be about seeking enrichment in various ways and continued learning, not going out X amount of times a week whole not realizing the responsibilities I have at home, or thinking every shiny thing that can be bought is important.  I can't wait to be about the life I want to live! The wonderful unexpectedness brings me joy!

So enjoy your stuff- I hope it brings you lots of pleasure and helps you be " 'bout that life"!

Pay it Forward- Blessings Abound

Every once in a while, an opportunity for greatness presents itself. You never know where or when it may strike, or what it is when it does, but you will know it when you see it. This will be that one chance to do something good- something out of the ordinary when you get a chance to do a good deed for someone other than yourself.

The week before last, I was the recipient of one of these opportunities. A friend of mine forwarded an email to me that her friend sent her asking everyone to make a sick little girls' 7th birthday the best ever by sending her a birthday card. Not only did the request inspire me to do much more, it touched me to my core, and awakened something in me that has been dormant for a long while. The thoughtfulness and sincerity of the person who wanted nothing more than to see this young girl smile was amazing to me. I saw the simple beauty of this gesture, and was in awe of the woman who wanted to create magic for this child, if only for one day.

I was inspired enough to pass this along to more of my friends as well. I started with a few I had a feeling would be touched enough to do this as I was, and you know what, a couple of people did exactly that! ( Big shout out to Stephanie, Sophia and Manny!) But I was actually disappointed to see that more didn't. As I passed it along to even more people, and made it more known to others, a few more kindhearted people were moved enough to send something as well and let others know. ( Thank you Deb, Karie & Kara!), but overwhelmingly, not to many other people cared. I was actually pretty shocked about this. Out of over 400 people that are on my "friends list" ( all of them being people I actually know), only 6 people thought of more than just themselves and choose to brighten a little girls day who has been suffering from AML and Lukemia for more than 61 months. 5 of the 7 years she has been on this earth she has suffered with horrible diseases and it is too much to send a simple card to make a child smile? That is so sad to me.

I knew there were a lot of people who wouldn't do it due to their capacity to not really think of others in this manner ( and I am not meaning this in a rude way, it's just the truth), some would be too busy ( like we all aren't but some people know how to prioritize while others don't), and some just don't give a damn, and yes this is sad but true. I was saddened even more by the fact of knowing that I had so many " friends" (obviously I am using this term loosely) on facebook that this really didn't touch them enough for them to do something, even if it was just passing the email/ post on to someone else. Something as simple as that would have sufficed (even though I don't know if some did or not for sure). I wanted to help flood this little girls room with cards from people all over the US to let her know that people do care and that she is such a brave little girl who inspires many people everywhere. I wanted to show her the kindness of strangers and how much she has touched them, even those far away. I wanted to help make her birthday special in my own way, by helping out as much as I could in some capacity, and I am happy to know I did.

On too the good stuff! I was overjoyed that I do have friends that didn't hesitate one bit to do this. They took one look at the email, went out and found the cutest cards, and mailed them as soon as they could. It was the kindest gesture and they didn't ask twice about it. This brought me to tears when each of them told me they sent their cards. I was incredibly inspired by this handful of people and was extremely proud that I have these type of people in my life and that I can call them friends. Their selflessness is amazingly refreshing and they inspire me to be a better person, even more now than before. I am a firm believer that the good that you do comes back to you tenfold, and I can't wait to see the blessings they will receive unfold. They deserve that and more, and with hearts of gold, I am sure they will get that and then some!

So needless to say, this has definitely opened my eyes. Some people aren't who I thought they were

and some don't surprise me at all. Some talk the talk , but their actions are no where near congruent with their words.

Most don't care because it does not pertain to them or their daily lives and others probably just don't

pay attention.

This is a wake up call to really evaluate why I have certain people in my life, and who I really want to be

around me and in my life. I know who I want to strive to be in life, and I just want the people who

are going to help me get there to be in it. I am thankful that there are those amazing, thoughtful,

caring people in my life because they inspire me to be a better person. People like Tracy ( the person who

organized this whole thing) has shown me what truly having compassion and heart means. Not saying I never

had it before, but it's the need to show it more often that has been renewed. Thank you for being such

an amazing person Tracy. Steph, Sophia, Manny, Deb, and Karie, thanks for being so awesome! You

guys rock!

For the rest, maybe one day your pay it forward moment won't be missed. It feels so good to do something just because - and I know I wouldn't want to miss the pure moment of joy like this for nothing!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLIN

Unfriended

I use to think that saying that people come into your life for a reason, season, or a life time was some cutsie cliche that wasn't very true. In my younger days, I naively thought my friendships with some people would last forever and ever, and now that I am older, I see just how true that statement really is. You never know what will be the cause behind the demise of a friendship. These days it is more acts of betrayal, lying, cheating, or some grand falling out that end things, but sometimes those small, interesting things kinda creep up, and cause you to think, wow- did that really happen!

Backing up just a bit, it's probably better if I explain myself. Back in college I had this best friend that I did everything with. (Some of you know who I am talking about so no names are necessary, and I don't need to go there). We were two peas in a pod, always together, traveling everywhere, enjoying life without any cares or worries in the world, exploring everything we could, soaking up all that life had to offer, and things were good. We had experienced a lot together and despite our differences ( she is a small town country girl whose family is 2nd generation German-American ), our experiences only made us stronger. In her little town, there were only like 2 or 3 black families that lived there (maybe only 2), so growing up she was the one who was friends with "literally the only black girl in school", and saw nothing of it, so our friendship was nothing out of the ordinary at all.

Through the years, people even commended us on your friendship. Today that sounds really odd, but an example of this was in 1999 we had gone to Arizona on a road trip, and one morning after hanging out all night with people we met there, we went to Mc Donalds for breakfast. While we were sitting down eating, we noticed this older gentleman staring at us. We didn't really think anything of it at the time, and just continued eating. When he was finished with his meal, he walked over to our table, said "excuse me", and proceeded to tell us that it was "a beautiful sight to behold" seeing us sit there with one another, sharing stuff and having whatever deep convo we were having without worrying about what others would think. He went on saying that not even 40 years ago, this wouldn't have been allowed and he was glad he had lived long enough to see what a difference the civil rights movement had made, and that living in harmony could be achievable, etc... He ended the conversation with " Thank you for giving me hope and allowing me to see such wonder". We didn't quite know what to say in response. We understood what it meant to him, but of course, it didn't phase us at all that people would see us in a different way. It was interesting getting someone else's point of view with them being from the outside looking in. I am sure through the years people have thought various things, but no one ever says what's on their minds when it comes to this particular subject matter. Of course we have gotten our fair share of odd stares/ whispers and glances, but we never really acknowledged it. On one of our road trips, I had taken her to New Orleans for Mardi Gras one year, and we had gone into some fast food restaurant ( I think it was McDonald's again!), and it just so happened that when we walked in, she was the only white person in the entire place. I didn't bother her at all of course, but everyone else literally stopped what they were doing to stare at us, and obviously had issues with it. They were more surprised I should say. but then I opened my mouth, and ya'll know what I mean, they got it. It was an interesting thing to see but no one actually told us anything. That was just how "old school" Louisiana was for you. I warned her before hand of course, not that it really bothered her or anything.

Long story short, through the years, we had a few minor occurrences where our differences were brought to our attention, but it wasn't a factor in our friendship. It was a total non-issue and we were more focused on building our friendship as comparison to defining it or trying to categorize it. Like any friendship, we had our ups and downs, but we were good.

So fast forward a few years to about 2005 or so. She started dating this older guy ( about 13-15 years older than her- i don't remember exactly), he was German, and had a total old school way of thinking. At first things were fine. They dated on and off until they finally decided to be in a relationship after a year or so. My opinion of him was that he was "okay". He wasn't one of my "fave's" of all of her boyfriends, but he was tolerable.

About a year into their relationship, she and I had gone down to Corpus Christie to go on a little mini trip and go deep sea fishing. We were having a great, animated conversation about something when we pulled up to a gas station for gas and snacks. While we were both standing outside to pump gas, she asked if she could tell me something without me getting mad or upset. She then proceeded to drop this bomb on me: "___ doesn't understand how we can be such great friends. He doesn't understand our relationship or how white people and black people can get along so well." He apparently had never been around black people at all before and didn't understand what we had in common. He didn't get why we were friends. She said she tried to explain to him, but he didn't get it. My first question after I picked my jaw up from the ground, was "are you serious???" Which was quickly followed by "how in the hell could you be with someone like that!" She tried to justify that he was older, his parents were the same way, and that he had just never been around people of other races to understand. I stood there in disbelief not understanding her and this situation at all. She told me his opinion wouldn't influence her at all and that she would eventually make him see the truth. We got back in the car and went on our way.

I couldn't shake what she said, so a few days later i emailed her what I really thought, questioning her rational for being with him and what that meant for our friendship. What would happen if they got married? If our kids could ever really be friends, etc... She wrote me back saying she couldn't believe I would question our friendship and doubt her, or that I didn't think she was strong enough to think for herself, and that we would always be friends. Things were never quite "normal" between us again after this.

For the next year or so, we kinda pretended that nothing had changed. She had gone out of the country with him, and had come back about 6 months later. She had come to my house one day after she got back, and after talking, and having fun, getting back to how we use to be, she told me she was 3 months pregnant and that they were getting married. I was a bit shocked, but told her I was happy for her. They had a quickie justice of the peace wedding before he went back overseas again. We had hung out all day, and she spent the night just like the good old days. We had fun, and said how much we missed being around each other. She left the next afternoon, back to her small town, and that was it. We had talked a few times after that, but slowly the calls and emails stopped.

She had her baby, which I only found out about through a mutual friend, had a real wedding, moved out of the country again and everything, but I had not heard anything from her again.

Three years and another kid later ( I found out about this one via facebook), she sent me a message on facebook, saying we should get together. I had just moved to Houston, and she had just moved to Sugarland ( we were about 30 mins from each other). But we never found the time, ( AKA, we couldn't get together when her husband was in town, only when he was out of the country), and she is in some other country now.

The point of this all is first, her husband obviously prevailed. His thoughts and beliefs became hers and our 10 years of friendship when out the window seemingly overnight. I hate to the word, but this is an example of racism rearing it's ugly head at it's finest. It's 2011 and obviously this still exists. Secondly, strong willed people who have the stupidest ideology will prevail and manipulate those who are weak the majority of the time.

This is the beginning of the fourth year of us not being "friends" . Up until the other day, we were "friends" on facebook, but it came to mind that I don't want to be "fake friends" in that manner with someone whose mindset and ideology I don't believe in. When all your "friends" on facebook or in life are all the same race, and you don't talk to anyone of "color" that you use to be friends with, that is a bit to much for me to handle. It seems to me that someone has crossed too far over into the land of white, where "undercover" racism is a way of life.

I don't feel bad about loosing this friendship. We had 10 amazing years as friends, and then she taught me the biggest lessons ever in life. 1. Racial intolerance is still alive and well as unfortunate as this is, and 2. weak minded people do whatever they are told. I know it's a bit harsh implying that she had/ has slowly become just like him ( racist), but she has accepted it, and has embraced it herself, so what else could I really say it is.

This is something I definitely don't need in my life, so when I hit that "unfriend" button on facebook, I knew there was no turning back. You were unfriended because you gave in. You lost yourself and your common sense somewhere along the way, and became one of those disgusting people who make this world harder to live in. You were unfriended because you lost sight of yourself and who you were by becoming him and believing in his foolishness. You were unfriended because you are no longer a friend, and lost track of the real definition of that word a long time ago.

That old guy at Mc Donalds in Phoenix would be so disappointed. But all I have to say is, just as it says on AOL when you sign out- Goodbye~

That's not the way I want my story to end...

It's truly unbelievable that it is a new year already. I can't help but wonder where the time has gone. The last year has almost been a blur, There have been amazing highs and some pretty bad lows, but as it comes to a close, I am almost exactly where I want to be- well I said almost!

I have met some pretty amazing people this year, and some of course who reside on the very end of the opposite side of that spectrum. Those who you can say are in the despicable range really, but I am not going to dwell on the negative. I can say that those few did teach me some valuable lessons in life. Particularly not believing in everything that you hear, and that some people really have no conscious at all- and they thrive on lies and hurting others. But you know what? Karma is a bitch, and will come back harder than you can ever imagine. As hard as it is to move on and forgive these people, I am glad to say I have been able too (yeah it took a while of course), but I have definitely not forgotten the lesson. I am glad that my faith is strong enough to have made it through all of those tough times as well.

So this isn't going to be some long, oh this is what I am changing in 2011 diatribe. I know my goals, what I am going to achieve, etc... and I don't need to broadcast it to the world. Besides, people close to me already know what they are anyway. :)

I am all about making this year count for something. I am in a new city where new, amazing adventures need to be had with a lot of new people that I have been fortunate to meet, and I want to take advantage of all that I can. Travel a bit, see some new places, go with the flow and just live. There is this quote from this book Les got me a few years ago that says: "Dreams are... illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you" ( Marsha Norman) I want my soul to write amazing things and want those dreams to become reality.

Another one that I really liked was " Anyone in a state of SEEKING can never be happy. Only those who are constantly FINDING are fulfilled. And finding is not something that happens to us- it's something we do!" ( Allen Cohen) I seek inspiration from these wise words of wisdom. They are just mere words stung together, and at first glance they may not strike a chord with in. But if you really think about their meaning, you'll see just how profound they are.

I am craving the need to be a better me. To be stronger, more driven, have more faith, to be fearless, to be the best Danielle I can be. My niece Danielle asked me the other night what I was thankful for and what I wanted in the new year, and I told her that what I was looking forward to in the new year were the endless possibilities and abundant blessings I will receive. I want to focus on nurturing the friendships/ relationships in my life, live life to the fullest, and follow what God wants for me, not necessarily what I want for myself in life. I just want to live, while being grateful for everything and becoming the person I want to be. ( She totally got this btw... which is only one of the reasons my niece totally rocks! LOL)

Its easy to say all this, but of course implementing it is a different story. But I do believe that with a lot of hard work and perseverance it can be done. Of course having an amazing support system ( AKA my family and friends) doesn't hurt either ;) Because with them, I can do anything I set my mind too. Like Dylan Thomas said " Do not go gentle into that good night" ( Yeah I know some of you only know this line since it was mentioned in the movie Dangerous Minds... it's actually a really good poem!) I am going to fight, kick, scream, and claw my way up to where I want to me ( while taking those who want to be there along with me of course).

I didn't want this to become too cheesy, or some long foo foo boring yeah me synopsis, because ya'll know that's not me. But this is more of an accurate portrayal of what I am striving for. Something real, straightforward, honest- just me. The person who won't settle for second best, who knows her self worth, who knows that I don't need others to validate my belief in myself. Nor will I compromise myself to please someone else. I am not going to allow people who don't enhance my life in some way to be in my life any longer (thus the facebook and phone clean up!). I have no room for that anymore. I want to shine as bright as the northern star ( okay I am being a tad cheesy now, but I know it!), and become as great as am in my dreams! I am reaching for the stars, striving for greatness- because not succeeding' is not the way I want my story to end....

" The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware" Henry Miller

No love lost....

So last night I had someone tell me that they didn't want o try to be my "friend" anymore because I wouldn't "make time" to talk to him. Granted he was ultimately trying to be more than that, but he was trying to go from 0 to 80 mph n 2.5 sec's flat! Ooh Mmm Gee... !!! Are you freakin' kidding me!

First of all, we have had 2 conversations. Count them.. 1..2... That is it! ( Which obviously I found time for right!) and now you think that entitles you to expect more time from me? Are you serious??? What is really wrong with this picture?

Second, Do you really think you are gonna be let into my bubble of life that fast? I don't even know you, but you think I am going to jump and answer a phone call or make one... while I am busy... despite how many times you call, busy is busy!!! Ummm Sorry bud... I don't roll that way! What happened to talking time to get to know someone and being patient? Obviously those words aren't in everyones vocabulary. Besides, I really don't like the phone that much anyway these days- correction, I don't like to TALK that much these days. Most people know, that if you want to reach me, it's easier to text me! Or.. unless you are of the lucky handful of people that I talk to on the regular- you know who you are ( yeah you! good job!) - then you may- possibly only get a sentence or two out of me on the phone- so if your in this 90%... sorry, your better off texting! Now this was not good enough for my "friend"', oh no, I had to stop what I was doing ( huh...) to make time to call, because he was... ummmm sure, OKAY !! * wink, wink*

Third, as previously stated, I am pretty busy these days. If you ask me with what... I have no freakin clue to be honest- I just have a lot on my plate, and you expect me to drop all of that just because you can, your "making" the time to do so. You get a text from me at least once a day, damn.. isn't that good enough for now? Let me paint the visual picture for you. This is what this situation reminds me of. Back in the day when I use to work at TGI Friday's, we had some badass servers ( I know this happens at other restaurants too, I"m just using this as an example).... any way, these badass servers could stack about 5 plates ( of hot food mind you) going up one arm and bring out one or two other with the other hand. So imagine me doing this... I am walking to a table with 5 plates on one arm, and one plate in the other ( this is representing how busy I am of course), and while I am hustling to get to the table so I won't drop everything everywhere, he asks me to refill his glass of water that is in front of him on his table, before I drop all of this food off. Are you freakin kidding me?? Yep you know what, I am badass, let me balance this hot plate of my head, get the pitcher of water that is like 50 feet away, and refill your glass, while balancing everything and avoiding a huge mess of everything crashing and burning! Really- you can't be patient and wait for me to drop all of that off??? Nope, he couldn't- and I even got a few guilt trips about not being willing to balance those plates to fill up that cup! Seriously- get the hell out of here!

But here is the kicker! First let me just start by apologizing. What is it that I am apologizing for you ask? Lets just say I have met my match! Joi, Amy and everyone else, I totally know how you feel now when you guys talk to me! Lol! You know when the ADHD kicks in big time, and I start talking at 10 times the speed of light and you can't get a word in edge wise? Um yeah, I get it now! Ya'll do a fantastic job playing it off like you know what I'm saying, nodding at the appropriate times, then looking at each other going " WTF did she just say???" as you reply to one another, " I don't know, just nod and laugh!" HA HA HA

( as a side note, this doesn't apply to Mamie because after 20 years, I think she finally gets what I say when I get going, or Les, only because New Yorkers talk just as fast! LOL)

But anyway, through those 2 conversations we did have- I couldn't get a word in! Nor did I understand anything he said 7/8ths of the time! The entire time, I thought to myself, " Damn, this is how you sound to the world. Maybe I should make an effort to slow down a bit." I did throw in a few " un huhs" and "yeps" for good measure ( see Joi and Amy, I learned that from ya'll!) After I stopped venturing off into my own little happy place in my head, thinking about who knows what ( once again the dreadful ADHD rears it's ugly head), I realized I had no clue what that conversation was about, nor did I remember any of it!

So what did I learn from all of this you may wonder- 1. Some people are too damn insensitive! Really, if you can't be patient and get a call when you can get on, then sorry, I'm so not the one! 2. I'll try ( yes I said try, don't expect miracles overnight damnit!) to slow down a bit while talking. No promises made on this for sure! lol 3. Some people aren't friend material. If they are gonna get mad because you have stuff going on in your life and can't make time for a new person or wants to go from 0 -80 in 2.5 seconds, well I'm sorry, you don't deserve a ticket to get in line to get into my life bubble!

Do I feel bad? Naahhh- wait for it.. wait for it... mmmmmpppphhhh. Well I was tying to get that one single tear to roll down my cheek to show my sadness, but it didn't work, so Oh well!

Sorry bud- your friendship application has been "DENIED" !

You know those days where it seems that the light bulb just comes on, and you see the world with 20/20 vision and a clarity that you have never known before? I have had a few of those lately, and you know what, it feels really, really good. I felt like I was searching forever. For what I really didn't know, and I don't know if I would have known what it was if I found it anyway. But the fact that I am closer to figuring it out is amazing!

I saw the movie EAT PRAY LOVE this weekend and there was so much that I took away from it. The movie itself was just okay, but the message behind it totally spoke to me. There are a few lines in it that I loved! Which are very inspiring!

"America is an entertainment-seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure-seeking one...even when we aren’t working, we are still doing something — and often that something is soul-deadening instead of life-giving, and not even restful."

When I heard that, I thought to myself, OMG that is me! Why do I sound like that. I don't proclaim to be that person, the one sits around and doesn't live, but it slowly happened, and I don't like it at all. There is this phrase that I am going to adopt as a mantra in life that was from the movie as well (The Italian phrase for “the beauty of doing nothing”: Il bel far niente.) I love this! There are so many days when I feel like a chicken with my head cut off. Always thinking, moving, on the go ( well the ADHD doesn't help! but you know what I mean) and here I am, not truly enjoying what's out there.

What's stopping me from going back to Italy for an extended amount of time like Julia Roberts did in the movie. I can come up with any number of excuses, but are they really legit. Why am I not roaming across the French country side enjoying every moment as if it were my last. I could be traversing through some foreign land soaking up all the culture , meeting people, enjoying the land and really living. Yet I subject myself to the day in and day out, and deny myself the true pleasure that I want, need and crave.

After talking with a good friend today, we both mentioned how we want change and that we need to do something about it instead of just talking about it ( she happens to be reading this book too!). Getting out there is a must. Seeing, feeling, breathing, enjoying the essence of a far away land is something that needs continuous nourishment, and I haven't done a good job lately of feeding that need. I needed the wake up call, and I am thrilled that something has given me the necessary push I needed to get out there and go!

A talk with my youngest brother also helped see this as well. He is a musician who has been in the studio for the past 3 months working hard pursuing his dream. Up early, late to bed... He has worked hard and is seeing this hard work pay off. This is what he is passionate about, and he worked damn hard to get on his way. He has a show in Nov that he has already started preparing for because he wants to be just that good. I totally admire that. His passion, his drive, the making it happen and not giving up. I am trying to figure out what my passion is like that. It use to be writing, but as you can see even from keeping up with this, I haven't been as diligent as I should be ( even though to be fair I had password probs! not that it was that hard to fix)! I use to love to write, and be really good at it, but somewhere along the way, that passion dwindled, and I don't know why. The sad part is that nothing has taken it's place.

So then, what drives me now? What is there out there that drives me in that way now?

I am trying to figure that out for myself. I have a very talented family ( no joke I really do!). My brother sings, my cousin Krissy ( shout out) is becoming an amazing stage actress who can sing her a$$ off ( Tyler Perry look out for her)! I have several other cousins who have gospel albums out, other who are rappers that have their own record labels, a few who are actors, you name it. They are all doing the thing the love and are very passionate about. Soooo where does that leave me? Yeah I can sit here and write this and it flows out very easily, but I need to get the ummphh back if I want to get the fire back that I had before for it. I'll add my own talent to the family some kind of way! lol

To sum it all up, I am going to be about the change now, not just speak of it. I am going to go in that new direction, not just dream of it. I am going to embrace "il bel far niente"! Not just embrace it, but live it, love it and learn it. I am going to find my passion, and if this is it, I am going to cultivate it and be the best I can be, while actually doing as I tried to do before and actually get it out there and published. I am going to learn that language, travel even more than before, read that seemingly dull book that I should just do to get it over with, finish my own that I started writing a while ago, nurture my friendships and deepen them, while making new ones and letting people into my crazysexycool life ( yes that was suppose to be a play on words from the TLC album name!). I am going to really find and become me.

It's time to live. Live like they do in Europe where they truly enjoy life, and it's not all about the 9-5 and more about the enjoyment of life. Making the most of it and not letting it live me... but me living it instead. So Les, I'll see you next year in Israel! And Danielle ( my niece) how about a jaunt through Italy instead of France after you graduate? lol We can have just as many adventures there, and this time work won't stop our fun~ To every one else C'est la vie... it's time to get this life started!