No love lost....

So last night I had someone tell me that they didn't want o try to be my "friend" anymore because I wouldn't "make time" to talk to him. Granted he was ultimately trying to be more than that, but he was trying to go from 0 to 80 mph n 2.5 sec's flat! Ooh Mmm Gee... !!! Are you freakin' kidding me!

First of all, we have had 2 conversations. Count them.. 1..2... That is it! ( Which obviously I found time for right!) and now you think that entitles you to expect more time from me? Are you serious??? What is really wrong with this picture?

Second, Do you really think you are gonna be let into my bubble of life that fast? I don't even know you, but you think I am going to jump and answer a phone call or make one... while I am busy... despite how many times you call, busy is busy!!! Ummm Sorry bud... I don't roll that way! What happened to talking time to get to know someone and being patient? Obviously those words aren't in everyones vocabulary. Besides, I really don't like the phone that much anyway these days- correction, I don't like to TALK that much these days. Most people know, that if you want to reach me, it's easier to text me! Or.. unless you are of the lucky handful of people that I talk to on the regular- you know who you are ( yeah you! good job!) - then you may- possibly only get a sentence or two out of me on the phone- so if your in this 90%... sorry, your better off texting! Now this was not good enough for my "friend"', oh no, I had to stop what I was doing ( huh...) to make time to call, because he was... ummmm sure, OKAY !! * wink, wink*

Third, as previously stated, I am pretty busy these days. If you ask me with what... I have no freakin clue to be honest- I just have a lot on my plate, and you expect me to drop all of that just because you can, your "making" the time to do so. You get a text from me at least once a day, damn.. isn't that good enough for now? Let me paint the visual picture for you. This is what this situation reminds me of. Back in the day when I use to work at TGI Friday's, we had some badass servers ( I know this happens at other restaurants too, I"m just using this as an example).... any way, these badass servers could stack about 5 plates ( of hot food mind you) going up one arm and bring out one or two other with the other hand. So imagine me doing this... I am walking to a table with 5 plates on one arm, and one plate in the other ( this is representing how busy I am of course), and while I am hustling to get to the table so I won't drop everything everywhere, he asks me to refill his glass of water that is in front of him on his table, before I drop all of this food off. Are you freakin kidding me?? Yep you know what, I am badass, let me balance this hot plate of my head, get the pitcher of water that is like 50 feet away, and refill your glass, while balancing everything and avoiding a huge mess of everything crashing and burning! Really- you can't be patient and wait for me to drop all of that off??? Nope, he couldn't- and I even got a few guilt trips about not being willing to balance those plates to fill up that cup! Seriously- get the hell out of here!

But here is the kicker! First let me just start by apologizing. What is it that I am apologizing for you ask? Lets just say I have met my match! Joi, Amy and everyone else, I totally know how you feel now when you guys talk to me! Lol! You know when the ADHD kicks in big time, and I start talking at 10 times the speed of light and you can't get a word in edge wise? Um yeah, I get it now! Ya'll do a fantastic job playing it off like you know what I'm saying, nodding at the appropriate times, then looking at each other going " WTF did she just say???" as you reply to one another, " I don't know, just nod and laugh!" HA HA HA

( as a side note, this doesn't apply to Mamie because after 20 years, I think she finally gets what I say when I get going, or Les, only because New Yorkers talk just as fast! LOL)

But anyway, through those 2 conversations we did have- I couldn't get a word in! Nor did I understand anything he said 7/8ths of the time! The entire time, I thought to myself, " Damn, this is how you sound to the world. Maybe I should make an effort to slow down a bit." I did throw in a few " un huhs" and "yeps" for good measure ( see Joi and Amy, I learned that from ya'll!) After I stopped venturing off into my own little happy place in my head, thinking about who knows what ( once again the dreadful ADHD rears it's ugly head), I realized I had no clue what that conversation was about, nor did I remember any of it!

So what did I learn from all of this you may wonder- 1. Some people are too damn insensitive! Really, if you can't be patient and get a call when you can get on, then sorry, I'm so not the one! 2. I'll try ( yes I said try, don't expect miracles overnight damnit!) to slow down a bit while talking. No promises made on this for sure! lol 3. Some people aren't friend material. If they are gonna get mad because you have stuff going on in your life and can't make time for a new person or wants to go from 0 -80 in 2.5 seconds, well I'm sorry, you don't deserve a ticket to get in line to get into my life bubble!

Do I feel bad? Naahhh- wait for it.. wait for it... mmmmmpppphhhh. Well I was tying to get that one single tear to roll down my cheek to show my sadness, but it didn't work, so Oh well!

Sorry bud- your friendship application has been "DENIED" !

You know those days where it seems that the light bulb just comes on, and you see the world with 20/20 vision and a clarity that you have never known before? I have had a few of those lately, and you know what, it feels really, really good. I felt like I was searching forever. For what I really didn't know, and I don't know if I would have known what it was if I found it anyway. But the fact that I am closer to figuring it out is amazing!

I saw the movie EAT PRAY LOVE this weekend and there was so much that I took away from it. The movie itself was just okay, but the message behind it totally spoke to me. There are a few lines in it that I loved! Which are very inspiring!

"America is an entertainment-seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure-seeking one...even when we aren’t working, we are still doing something — and often that something is soul-deadening instead of life-giving, and not even restful."

When I heard that, I thought to myself, OMG that is me! Why do I sound like that. I don't proclaim to be that person, the one sits around and doesn't live, but it slowly happened, and I don't like it at all. There is this phrase that I am going to adopt as a mantra in life that was from the movie as well (The Italian phrase for “the beauty of doing nothing”: Il bel far niente.) I love this! There are so many days when I feel like a chicken with my head cut off. Always thinking, moving, on the go ( well the ADHD doesn't help! but you know what I mean) and here I am, not truly enjoying what's out there.

What's stopping me from going back to Italy for an extended amount of time like Julia Roberts did in the movie. I can come up with any number of excuses, but are they really legit. Why am I not roaming across the French country side enjoying every moment as if it were my last. I could be traversing through some foreign land soaking up all the culture , meeting people, enjoying the land and really living. Yet I subject myself to the day in and day out, and deny myself the true pleasure that I want, need and crave.

After talking with a good friend today, we both mentioned how we want change and that we need to do something about it instead of just talking about it ( she happens to be reading this book too!). Getting out there is a must. Seeing, feeling, breathing, enjoying the essence of a far away land is something that needs continuous nourishment, and I haven't done a good job lately of feeding that need. I needed the wake up call, and I am thrilled that something has given me the necessary push I needed to get out there and go!

A talk with my youngest brother also helped see this as well. He is a musician who has been in the studio for the past 3 months working hard pursuing his dream. Up early, late to bed... He has worked hard and is seeing this hard work pay off. This is what he is passionate about, and he worked damn hard to get on his way. He has a show in Nov that he has already started preparing for because he wants to be just that good. I totally admire that. His passion, his drive, the making it happen and not giving up. I am trying to figure out what my passion is like that. It use to be writing, but as you can see even from keeping up with this, I haven't been as diligent as I should be ( even though to be fair I had password probs! not that it was that hard to fix)! I use to love to write, and be really good at it, but somewhere along the way, that passion dwindled, and I don't know why. The sad part is that nothing has taken it's place.

So then, what drives me now? What is there out there that drives me in that way now?

I am trying to figure that out for myself. I have a very talented family ( no joke I really do!). My brother sings, my cousin Krissy ( shout out) is becoming an amazing stage actress who can sing her a$$ off ( Tyler Perry look out for her)! I have several other cousins who have gospel albums out, other who are rappers that have their own record labels, a few who are actors, you name it. They are all doing the thing the love and are very passionate about. Soooo where does that leave me? Yeah I can sit here and write this and it flows out very easily, but I need to get the ummphh back if I want to get the fire back that I had before for it. I'll add my own talent to the family some kind of way! lol

To sum it all up, I am going to be about the change now, not just speak of it. I am going to go in that new direction, not just dream of it. I am going to embrace "il bel far niente"! Not just embrace it, but live it, love it and learn it. I am going to find my passion, and if this is it, I am going to cultivate it and be the best I can be, while actually doing as I tried to do before and actually get it out there and published. I am going to learn that language, travel even more than before, read that seemingly dull book that I should just do to get it over with, finish my own that I started writing a while ago, nurture my friendships and deepen them, while making new ones and letting people into my crazysexycool life ( yes that was suppose to be a play on words from the TLC album name!). I am going to really find and become me.

It's time to live. Live like they do in Europe where they truly enjoy life, and it's not all about the 9-5 and more about the enjoyment of life. Making the most of it and not letting it live me... but me living it instead. So Les, I'll see you next year in Israel! And Danielle ( my niece) how about a jaunt through Italy instead of France after you graduate? lol We can have just as many adventures there, and this time work won't stop our fun~ To every one else C'est la vie... it's time to get this life started!

A change will come

So after much thinking, I realized just how necessary change is. I want so much more out of life right now. I want the passion and fulfillment that comes with enjoying work and really enjoying life. I want the challenges that mental stimulation brings ( which is why I want to go back to school). I want the personal fulfillment of helping others through volunteer work which I haven't gotten to do in a while. I want to re-ignite the travel bug that lies within that has been dormant way to long. I need the adventure and exoticness that comes with exploration of new places and meeting new people. Getting out there to see the world. This isn't a lot to ask for either. It is totally doable if I set my mind to it.

I don't want to be stuck in a rut, or a never ending circle that has no foreseeable end in which I will continue enduring if I don't make a change now. I don't want to settle for mediocrity and the bear minimum. I am going to strive for greatness and reach for the stars. The universe will be my playground, and I want to dance amongst the constellations and play in the milky way.

When it comes down to it, my plans are going to be pretty simple. I am going to find a job I like, that I am passionate about, I am going to try and get into school for the spring, and make time to write more. I lost the passion for this somehow the last year or two, but with the endless possibilities, it is slowly being ignited again. This is something I am definitely looking forward too. I am going to travel and see the world more. Solidify and strengthen some friendships and make some new ones.

I am off to try to achieve a better place in life. The same ole' will not be apart of those plans. Some things need to be moved on from, and some looked into a bit more.... but regardless of which it is, it's going to be a beautiful ride! One that I am defiantly looking forward too!

Better Left Unknown...

So there are sometimes when there are things that you find out that you really didn't wish you know. Did I really need to know that? If you had just told me, would I still feel the same way? I'd like to think I am receptive enough for anyone to tell me whatever it is that they may be feeling, but sometimes I guess that doesn't ring true. On the surface it's all good, but tell me how you really feel... Is it that difficult? If everyone did this, life would be so much better, and I for one welcome the honesty and straightfowardness. Isn't that what friendship is for? Don't be afraid. Just tell it like it is and life will be so much better ( and no this is not directed towards anyone per se... just a general thought)! I'd rather know than not know.... and my feelings will not be hurt.

Well, here is the first one. You know sometimes you have a lot to say, a lot on your mind that you don't quite know how to get out, or who to tell. I have those moments every once in a while, and I figured what better way to get all the crazy things that go through my mind all the time out than to write about it. Some of you know I use to write all the time, and have kinda lost the mojo to do so lately, but I am hoping this will get me back on track... and even if this is for my own benefit, then hey so be it!

There are some pretty strange things out there. People make no sense most of the time, and I think I have given up on trying to figure them out. More often than not they do some crazy stuff, then try to rationalize it... only to realize in the end just how dumb they are... really.. seriously... come on! I just don't get it. I'll have a lot to say about this and then some!

So here goes, I started this so that some people could know what's going on in my life ( since I am starting to kinda get issues with the telephone unless it's text!), and for people like.. ahem.. Les who is leaving the country for a year for an amazing journey, to the newer people in my life to get to know me a bit better. Those of you who do know me... you know what's in store! The random craziness that I never fail to get enough of! This will be me at my finest... and I hope you get a kick out of it just like I will! ciao~