Unfriended

I use to think that saying that people come into your life for a reason, season, or a life time was some cutsie cliche that wasn't very true. In my younger days, I naively thought my friendships with some people would last forever and ever, and now that I am older, I see just how true that statement really is. You never know what will be the cause behind the demise of a friendship. These days it is more acts of betrayal, lying, cheating, or some grand falling out that end things, but sometimes those small, interesting things kinda creep up, and cause you to think, wow- did that really happen!

Backing up just a bit, it's probably better if I explain myself. Back in college I had this best friend that I did everything with. (Some of you know who I am talking about so no names are necessary, and I don't need to go there). We were two peas in a pod, always together, traveling everywhere, enjoying life without any cares or worries in the world, exploring everything we could, soaking up all that life had to offer, and things were good. We had experienced a lot together and despite our differences ( she is a small town country girl whose family is 2nd generation German-American ), our experiences only made us stronger. In her little town, there were only like 2 or 3 black families that lived there (maybe only 2), so growing up she was the one who was friends with "literally the only black girl in school", and saw nothing of it, so our friendship was nothing out of the ordinary at all.

Through the years, people even commended us on your friendship. Today that sounds really odd, but an example of this was in 1999 we had gone to Arizona on a road trip, and one morning after hanging out all night with people we met there, we went to Mc Donalds for breakfast. While we were sitting down eating, we noticed this older gentleman staring at us. We didn't really think anything of it at the time, and just continued eating. When he was finished with his meal, he walked over to our table, said "excuse me", and proceeded to tell us that it was "a beautiful sight to behold" seeing us sit there with one another, sharing stuff and having whatever deep convo we were having without worrying about what others would think. He went on saying that not even 40 years ago, this wouldn't have been allowed and he was glad he had lived long enough to see what a difference the civil rights movement had made, and that living in harmony could be achievable, etc... He ended the conversation with " Thank you for giving me hope and allowing me to see such wonder". We didn't quite know what to say in response. We understood what it meant to him, but of course, it didn't phase us at all that people would see us in a different way. It was interesting getting someone else's point of view with them being from the outside looking in. I am sure through the years people have thought various things, but no one ever says what's on their minds when it comes to this particular subject matter. Of course we have gotten our fair share of odd stares/ whispers and glances, but we never really acknowledged it. On one of our road trips, I had taken her to New Orleans for Mardi Gras one year, and we had gone into some fast food restaurant ( I think it was McDonald's again!), and it just so happened that when we walked in, she was the only white person in the entire place. I didn't bother her at all of course, but everyone else literally stopped what they were doing to stare at us, and obviously had issues with it. They were more surprised I should say. but then I opened my mouth, and ya'll know what I mean, they got it. It was an interesting thing to see but no one actually told us anything. That was just how "old school" Louisiana was for you. I warned her before hand of course, not that it really bothered her or anything.

Long story short, through the years, we had a few minor occurrences where our differences were brought to our attention, but it wasn't a factor in our friendship. It was a total non-issue and we were more focused on building our friendship as comparison to defining it or trying to categorize it. Like any friendship, we had our ups and downs, but we were good.

So fast forward a few years to about 2005 or so. She started dating this older guy ( about 13-15 years older than her- i don't remember exactly), he was German, and had a total old school way of thinking. At first things were fine. They dated on and off until they finally decided to be in a relationship after a year or so. My opinion of him was that he was "okay". He wasn't one of my "fave's" of all of her boyfriends, but he was tolerable.

About a year into their relationship, she and I had gone down to Corpus Christie to go on a little mini trip and go deep sea fishing. We were having a great, animated conversation about something when we pulled up to a gas station for gas and snacks. While we were both standing outside to pump gas, she asked if she could tell me something without me getting mad or upset. She then proceeded to drop this bomb on me: "___ doesn't understand how we can be such great friends. He doesn't understand our relationship or how white people and black people can get along so well." He apparently had never been around black people at all before and didn't understand what we had in common. He didn't get why we were friends. She said she tried to explain to him, but he didn't get it. My first question after I picked my jaw up from the ground, was "are you serious???" Which was quickly followed by "how in the hell could you be with someone like that!" She tried to justify that he was older, his parents were the same way, and that he had just never been around people of other races to understand. I stood there in disbelief not understanding her and this situation at all. She told me his opinion wouldn't influence her at all and that she would eventually make him see the truth. We got back in the car and went on our way.

I couldn't shake what she said, so a few days later i emailed her what I really thought, questioning her rational for being with him and what that meant for our friendship. What would happen if they got married? If our kids could ever really be friends, etc... She wrote me back saying she couldn't believe I would question our friendship and doubt her, or that I didn't think she was strong enough to think for herself, and that we would always be friends. Things were never quite "normal" between us again after this.

For the next year or so, we kinda pretended that nothing had changed. She had gone out of the country with him, and had come back about 6 months later. She had come to my house one day after she got back, and after talking, and having fun, getting back to how we use to be, she told me she was 3 months pregnant and that they were getting married. I was a bit shocked, but told her I was happy for her. They had a quickie justice of the peace wedding before he went back overseas again. We had hung out all day, and she spent the night just like the good old days. We had fun, and said how much we missed being around each other. She left the next afternoon, back to her small town, and that was it. We had talked a few times after that, but slowly the calls and emails stopped.

She had her baby, which I only found out about through a mutual friend, had a real wedding, moved out of the country again and everything, but I had not heard anything from her again.

Three years and another kid later ( I found out about this one via facebook), she sent me a message on facebook, saying we should get together. I had just moved to Houston, and she had just moved to Sugarland ( we were about 30 mins from each other). But we never found the time, ( AKA, we couldn't get together when her husband was in town, only when he was out of the country), and she is in some other country now.

The point of this all is first, her husband obviously prevailed. His thoughts and beliefs became hers and our 10 years of friendship when out the window seemingly overnight. I hate to the word, but this is an example of racism rearing it's ugly head at it's finest. It's 2011 and obviously this still exists. Secondly, strong willed people who have the stupidest ideology will prevail and manipulate those who are weak the majority of the time.

This is the beginning of the fourth year of us not being "friends" . Up until the other day, we were "friends" on facebook, but it came to mind that I don't want to be "fake friends" in that manner with someone whose mindset and ideology I don't believe in. When all your "friends" on facebook or in life are all the same race, and you don't talk to anyone of "color" that you use to be friends with, that is a bit to much for me to handle. It seems to me that someone has crossed too far over into the land of white, where "undercover" racism is a way of life.

I don't feel bad about loosing this friendship. We had 10 amazing years as friends, and then she taught me the biggest lessons ever in life. 1. Racial intolerance is still alive and well as unfortunate as this is, and 2. weak minded people do whatever they are told. I know it's a bit harsh implying that she had/ has slowly become just like him ( racist), but she has accepted it, and has embraced it herself, so what else could I really say it is.

This is something I definitely don't need in my life, so when I hit that "unfriend" button on facebook, I knew there was no turning back. You were unfriended because you gave in. You lost yourself and your common sense somewhere along the way, and became one of those disgusting people who make this world harder to live in. You were unfriended because you lost sight of yourself and who you were by becoming him and believing in his foolishness. You were unfriended because you are no longer a friend, and lost track of the real definition of that word a long time ago.

That old guy at Mc Donalds in Phoenix would be so disappointed. But all I have to say is, just as it says on AOL when you sign out- Goodbye~